(Fort Bragg, NC)
Following up on earlier reports by the Fayetteville Observer, local police have cracked down heavily on illegal prostitution soliciting military personnel stationed at nearby Fort Bragg. This new development has left hundreds of soldiers heartbroken as their Valentine’s Day plans were dashed. Article 107 News correspondents were on the ground to interview these lovelorn heroes, but struggled to find quotes that were less than 50% profanity.
“Man, now my entire weekend is boned,” said Sergeant Mark Antweyer (after being urged to replace his original word choice with “entire” and “boned” so that his words would be fit for publication). “I was sure that Titania, the girl I met on Craigslist, was going to be the queen of my heart for at least fifteen minutes, but now she’s in a women’s shelter heading back to El Salvador.”
Others noted that while police were no doubt expected to uphold the law, it was virtually impossible for a soldier to find an actual date in Fayetteville.
“Let’s be serious for a minute,” said Lieutenant Tony Corduro. “There is absolutely zero chance of finding a woman you want to be in a long-term relationship with in Fayetteville. And even if you found someone who wasn’t a single-mom stripper with a GED and her baby daddy’s name tattooed on her backside, where would you take her? The fanciest restaurant in town is a Red Lobster.”
Fayetteville Chief of Police Harold Medlock was insistent that soldiers respect the law and find alternative ways to spend the paycheck that hit their bank accounts just before this critical holiday weekend.
“I want to be quite clear to all the young men, and, sadly, some of the young women stationed at Fort Bragg who would rather drop $50 at a shady massage parlor than date a local,” Medlock told reporters yesterday. “Fayetteville is not that kind of town, and we won’t tolerate that kind of behavior. Spending your pay, which by the way is fully supported by taxpayer dollars, on something that is clearly illegal is wrong.”
When pressed on what the soldiers should be buying in Fayetteville, Medlock stumbled. “Look, there are plenty of great places to legally spend money in our fair city. There is no where better in the world to get a sleeve tattoo, or some spinning rims, or a used car at an inordinately high interest rate than Fayetteville. And if you’re looking to be sociable, we are totally cool with you spending your money on lap dances, as long as at least one of those laps is fully-clothed.”
Soldiers were less than enthused about Medlock’s advice.
Sergeant Antweyer’s take was “Aw hell no. Who does he think he’s fooling? My USAA account has been burning with these dollars since Friday. I’ve seen Deadpool, I’ve seen Zoolander, I’ve gotten wasted on $8 Coors at Secrets two nights in a row. Now that I’m almost back to zero, all I can do is either have a roll in the hay with my favorite girl, or have dinner at Red Lobster. And let’s face it, I’ll wake up the next morning feeling sick and ashamed of myself if I pick Red Lobster.”
Article 107 News is a satire site, and you shouldn’t think anything we post is real. You should, however, mercilessly mock anyone who does. If you want real news, go to our sister site, The Havok Journal.
We don’t think you can buy love, but you better buy a Hallmark card.